Can't wait to read again

Geez, all I want to do is just sit in the sun and read all day. I don't even want any snacks beside me to enjoy the pure satisfaction from such a simple past-time.

I want to sit on the grass with a BLOODY FANTASTIC book in my hands and just enjoy myself in the sun. No, wait, I can't wait to read Les Miserables again. I haven't touched that book for two weeks and I miss it like hell. I want to relax and forget about all my problems while I drift off into another world. A world far, far away from this hellhole I call my school years.

Shit, the 'r' key on my dad's laptop just broke off! He's going to kill me! No, wait... just fixed it. Wooh, go me.

Just two more tests. Just three more days. ARGH.

Stress Rant

I know I shouldn't be stressing over the preliminaries, but I am. Forgive me.

I can't help but feel really uncomfortable about it all. I can't help but worry and stress... and I can't help procrastinating either, but that's beside the point.

Why I'm worrying about something that doesn't even count towards anything is beyond me. 

I did really bad in my Modern History exam :( And for some reason, I'm really upset about that. I did crap in my English Advanced, too, but since I don't really like the subject, I don't *really* mind. WHY DO I FAIL AT EVERYTHING?! FUCK.

I wish I could fast forward time to Thursday afternoon. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT. FREEDOM!!! I love freedom. I am in love with freedom. I can't live without it. I just wish I had more of it. But then again, I probably wouldn't appreciate it so much, and I'd get bored and my ennui would kill me. I am never satisfied with anything. I can't stand the mundane, but I can't stand hyperactivity either. What do I want?

Whatever. I still want my freedom.

I want to read. Bloody hell. Is that really so much to ask for?!

Oh yeah, and stress balls don't work for me. THEY NEVER WORK. I dig my nails into them and it doesn't release any of my stress. In fact, I just stress more because I get so distracted. 

Valuing Freedom

If there's one thing school has taught me, it's the value of freedom. I don't think I've ever really thought about it before but it's true. When you've got a big weight on your shoulders, the moment that burden is gone you feel this sense of relief; a feeling of liberation that is just plain amazing. I feel like I have all the time in the world now, though of course that is not true because my yearlies are looming ahead. But still- I am happy, and I'm enjoying this short cooling-off period.

Being sick sucks, though. I have a cold and it was really bothering me today. I kept sniffing and sneezing which made my eyes water quite a lot. And now my nose is feeling stuffed and hot. Sigh. But I want to go to school tomorrow- we're starting a new topic in History and, strangely enough, I want to go to Maths and English. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.

Dammit economics!

I am so, so dead. I have a maths test on differentiation tomorrow and I haven't had time to study for it. And I'm dead for economics, too. Why the hell did I take this subject? Money really isn't my forte. I have no interest in finding out why something happens. Why can't I just accept the fact that monetary policies control inflation- why do I have to know how it does it?! I don't care to know why! Grr... I am definitely not taking this subject next year, but then if I don't, I'll have to take maths, and I don't want to take maths!

I wish I was good at logic subjects. But I'm not a logical person.

Feeling better

Sorry for the past few days' rather depressing, teenage-angst-filled posts. I'm feeling a lot better now (thanks to your support!) and I feel a little less stressed. Although I shouldn't speak so soon about that, I might regret it later.

Anyway, I've come to terms with school and studying (and the endless piles of work). I think. I've come to the realisation that, maybe it isn't all that bad... once you've finished. I mean, you do learn, and the satisfaction you feel at the end is priceless. So maybe it's one of those long-term things, where you've really got to commit before you start reaping the rewards.

What is up with me?!

I feel so tired, like I've been drained of all energy. And I don't know why but I feel like there's something else bothering me. I just don't know what.

I find myself a totally different person at school: I think most people I know would describe me as a 'happy-go-lucky, optimistic, sarcastic' sort of girl but they haven't seen the real me- like my brother. He said I look 'dead' tonight, which really boosted my self-esteem, believe me.

I don't know what's up with me these days. PMS? Restlessness? Teenage syndrome? Stress? Studying (student + dying)? I honestly don't know. I just know that I sound like a whiny kid who's always complaining these days (if I really am being one, you have my sincerest apology).

I went to sleep at 12:30 last night and woke up at 5:15 just to finish reading Emma- and for what? A quiz that accounts for a mere 5% towards my end-of-year report! I wish I had more of a life besides just studying.Or, even better- I wish I didn't have so much work to do. I don't want to be completely devoid of work (it does provide temporary distraction from other burdens), but I don't want to be completely overwhelmed by it, either.

You just can't have it both ways, can you?

Those annoying one-liner slogans

People say they break into random song lyrics during conversations but I can't say I've ever felt that way... maybe Jason Derulo! but that's about it.

With me it's an entirely different thing. Sometimes all I feel like saying is BAM! and the dirt is gone! I have no idea why. I'm so weird ha ha! The ad line is so addictive- when it's stuck in my head, it is STUCK in my head. And as you can imagine, it gets really annoying. Especially when I'm in the middle of a test and it's the only thing running through my mind. Right now it's all I can think about. It's like an annoying one-liner song. 

School was a bit better today. I'm glad I've got my English speech out of the way. I don't think I did all that good, but oh well. What can I do now? At least I don't have to arrive at each English lesson with that queasy feeling in my stomach and the horrible anticipation of "Am I going to be picked next??" Sigh, and we're getting our Othello essay back tomorrow. I AM SO SCREWED!!!

I hate English Advanced. It's mind-numbingly boring. Our upcoming study of Emma is my only consolation for this stupid, waste-of-time class.

Where's my direction?

Mm, first day back at school today. My last term in Year 11. It's kind of scary because this is what I've been working for for years, and in about a year's time it's all going to be over... The idea hasn't fully settled in my mind yet, so I'm not too freaked. I'm just a bit... weary. Don't know why.

I wish I could just read all day, or go out on adventures instead of sitting in a classroom, listening to teachers, then going home to do homework. Don't get me wrong, I like school and I haven't anything against education (of course not!), but the idea of learning things that I probably won't ever need again...? It's kind of pointless. Couldn't we learn about 'life' instead? Hmm, maybe 'life' is too general a term, too vagarious to 'teach'. Besides, who can actually 'teach life'? I guess I don't even know what I mean, or what I want. I want something, but what? Maybe something I would like for a change. Something that I find interesting, instead of simply going along with what everyone else says.

I don't like doing things I don't understand, or that I have no interest in. Those things either stress and/or bore me, and I'm the kind of person who needs constant physical and mental activity in things that I can do. I like a bit of a challenge, but not too much. I give up too easily, and yes, that's my flaw, but I can't help it.

My life feels kind of vacuous. Empty of meaning. I'm not depressed, or even sad, I just feel like I'm lacking direction. I don't know what I'm doing- days just... pass by and I haven't done anything, let alone achieved anything. I wish I knew what I was doing, or at least have a general idea which direction I want to head in.

I AM OFFICIALLY SCREWED!

Quick update

Three days left of winter vacation... I really should've started working earlier. I regret procrastinating now. What was I doing for one and a half weeks? I honestly can't remember.

At least today didn't go to waste. I woke up at 11:47 (I'll have to start waking up earlier soon- once school starts, I'll have to wake up at 6-ish) and had breakfast. After breakfast my mum wanted us to play mahjong with her so we did. Now I like mahjong, but I've never won so many games in a row! Out of 8 rounds, I won 6. I'm so proud of myself (not that you require much skills to play...)

After that, I got to work finishing my analyses on Emma and some Robert Browning poems for English Extension. It was actually kind of fun ;) I'm so stupid- I should have done this earlier! I'm about to start my history essay now... *sigh* I totally forgot we had an essay due on the first history lesson back. Not our investigation, but another class essay. I was going to devote the whole of today to my English speech but I don't think that's going to happen. We're going out to dinner tonight so I won't be able to work on it. Maybe tomorrow, though I shouldn't get my hopes up because it's probably not going to happen. Again.

In other news, I've been watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice and I must say it's quite good, although very different from the 2005 movie version. At first I didn't think Jennifer Ehle (who plays Elizabeth Bennet) good-looking, but after watching her act, she is actually very pretty!

Anyway, enough chit-chat, I must dash and do my work. Have a good day, guys! :)

A Holiday Update

I can't believe our two weeks of winter vacation is almost up! There's only six days left until school starts again, and I only have four days left to do my work! Shit! I actually made a to-do list of all the work I have to do during the holidays, but I haven't done any of it. The only thing I've done is read Emma and analyse the chapters. I am so screwed!

My holiday to-do list
- catch up on maths (6N all the way to 7G)
- English speech
- History essay
- Economics research
- Economics notes
- read Emma

*sigh* I really should get a move on. Pick up my lazy ass, pull away from the computer, plonk myself at a desk and WORK! I've already had a week off to relax and de-stress, but now's the time to get back on my feet.

In other news... you know how I lost my camera last year? Well, I've been using my brother's camera (on his phone) for the past few months and not only am I sick of it, but my brother is, too- he gets pissed off when I ask to borrow his phone because a) he's afraid I'll read his text messages, and b) apparently I never delete my photos from his phone. But no more because... I'M GETTING A CAMERA TOMORROW! EEP!

I'm so excited! I've been trying to save for months (but to no avail), and I've literally begged my dad to get me one for just as long (also in vain), but I finally convinced him and tonight he gave me money to buy one! (Hmm, maybe my persuasion skills aren't that bad after all! :P) I've been looking up cameras and reading reviews, and I have an idea of which model I'm buying but I'm not too certain yet. I just hope they have the one I want in stock, and that the reviews I've read does it justice. Fingers crossed!

Of course I would prefer to buy a professional camera (I wanted it even before it became a fad!) like the one below, but my sister recently sold her's because she said it's too bulky and inconvenient to carry around. I actually don't mind, but I'm going to take my sister's advice because I find that 99% of the time, she's right.

I don't know what types of photos I'll take, but I'm sure that my sole reason in purchasing a camera isn't to take pictures of friends (not saying that I won't take their pictures). I'm more inclined to take scenic/nature photographs, or pictures of unknown/interesting people I come across or see on the street. That's why I want to take a trip to Hyde Park one of these days and take pictures of the fountains and park-goers- it's one of the best parks in Sydney and I just love it there. I feel so relaxed when I visit that park. I remember last year when I went. It was absolutely amazing.

If I get the chance, I'd love to take pictures of fireworks, night festivals and sunsets, too. And I don't know why, but I want to take a picture on the bus. Not on a school day but on a Sunday, when I'm going home after tutoring and there's only a few passengers on-board- mostly the elderly, or parents with kids. I think it'd make a very interesting shot :)

Anyway, it's 1:33am and I really should get to bed. I don't know why I'm still up! It's not like I'm doing work or anything. I guess I'm just really excited about starting a new blog :) Buonanotte a tutti!