Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wow. I'm so dead. My exams (7 in total!) are in less than three weeks and I have not studied at all.
I repeat: I am so dead.
Now, because I'm so pressured to study, and with the burden of stress, I can't seem to do anything. A pile of books lie on my table and on the floor but I can't decide where to start- or even how to. I'm pressed for time and I don't know what to do first! I'm so scared, I can literally feel my heart racing inside my chest and I can't seem to breathe. I feel so restricted, like I'm stuck inside a cell without any air. Even music is doing half it's usual job- it used to quell my fears and calm me down, but now it's not working. FUCK. What the hell am I supposed to do? I know complaining and whining will not get me anywhere, but geez, I'm only 17. Why is there so much pressure and stress?! I can't wait til Christmas. By then, everything will be over and I can relax. But until then, I will be stressing my butt off. And to what end?
I repeat: I am so dead.
Now, because I'm so pressured to study, and with the burden of stress, I can't seem to do anything. A pile of books lie on my table and on the floor but I can't decide where to start- or even how to. I'm pressed for time and I don't know what to do first! I'm so scared, I can literally feel my heart racing inside my chest and I can't seem to breathe. I feel so restricted, like I'm stuck inside a cell without any air. Even music is doing half it's usual job- it used to quell my fears and calm me down, but now it's not working. FUCK. What the hell am I supposed to do? I know complaining and whining will not get me anywhere, but geez, I'm only 17. Why is there so much pressure and stress?! I can't wait til Christmas. By then, everything will be over and I can relax. But until then, I will be stressing my butt off. And to what end?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I used to be me
Strange title, I know, but I'll get to that in a sec.
I'm reading all these people's blogs and I kind of feel a little... sad(?) because they can be so open and yet private at the same time. I used to be able to do that... then, something happened and now I can't open up to anyone anymore. I used to be very extroverted- once I got to know someone, and I liked them, I opened up and let them into my world- whether they wanted to be in it or not. Actually, it was more like me grabbing them by the collar and yanking them into my world. I used to be able to speak my mind, and just blurt things out- which, of course, wasn't always a good thing but at least I could still tell people about my issues and problems.
Now, I think I'm beginning to have trust issues. I just can't trust people anymore. Not because I don't like them, or because I don't trust them personally- it's more to do with me. I can't open up anymore, about any part of me, and when I do, it's only to people I really, really trust, and that is so hard to find for me nowadays. I have close friends, and I love them to bits, but even they do not know half my thoughts. I'm not suicidal, or even depressed (and I hope I never get to that), but I do feel withdrawn. I'm not sad, or angry about it, I'm just stating the facts. I don't know whether that is a good thing or not, but it's the truth.
Which brings me to my next point. I used to be able to use my blog as a vent, to release my feelings and to rant on about trivial things like school, or my life in general (my group should know what I'm talking about). Now, I find that I can't bring myself to do that anymore. And I have no idea why. Even though I may seem like I do, I never go in-depth and really let my feelings out. What I say and do is more of... a superficial glaze-over now. Which is really bad because now all I'm doing is bottling up everything inside. A lot of people have told me that they think I'm a really happy-go-lucky kind of person, that I'm always happy and that I'm never down on my problems; but really, it's far from the truth. I have my problems, I just don't let them show because I know there's no point wallowing in them, and especially complaining about them to others.
But I still laugh, and I still smile and crack the occassional (unfunny and slightly awkward) joke because deep down, I think I still have that part of me that is upbeat and "jolly" (I couldn't think of another word, and I realise I just made myself sound like Santa Claus). Hohohoho... no? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, back to what I was saying... :P What was I saying? I'm just ranting, aren't I? Geez, I should do my homework. I have a stack of homework waiting for me.
Well, until next time.
I'm reading all these people's blogs and I kind of feel a little... sad(?) because they can be so open and yet private at the same time. I used to be able to do that... then, something happened and now I can't open up to anyone anymore. I used to be very extroverted- once I got to know someone, and I liked them, I opened up and let them into my world- whether they wanted to be in it or not. Actually, it was more like me grabbing them by the collar and yanking them into my world. I used to be able to speak my mind, and just blurt things out- which, of course, wasn't always a good thing but at least I could still tell people about my issues and problems.
Now, I think I'm beginning to have trust issues. I just can't trust people anymore. Not because I don't like them, or because I don't trust them personally- it's more to do with me. I can't open up anymore, about any part of me, and when I do, it's only to people I really, really trust, and that is so hard to find for me nowadays. I have close friends, and I love them to bits, but even they do not know half my thoughts. I'm not suicidal, or even depressed (and I hope I never get to that), but I do feel withdrawn. I'm not sad, or angry about it, I'm just stating the facts. I don't know whether that is a good thing or not, but it's the truth.
Which brings me to my next point. I used to be able to use my blog as a vent, to release my feelings and to rant on about trivial things like school, or my life in general (my group should know what I'm talking about). Now, I find that I can't bring myself to do that anymore. And I have no idea why. Even though I may seem like I do, I never go in-depth and really let my feelings out. What I say and do is more of... a superficial glaze-over now. Which is really bad because now all I'm doing is bottling up everything inside. A lot of people have told me that they think I'm a really happy-go-lucky kind of person, that I'm always happy and that I'm never down on my problems; but really, it's far from the truth. I have my problems, I just don't let them show because I know there's no point wallowing in them, and especially complaining about them to others.
But I still laugh, and I still smile and crack the occassional (unfunny and slightly awkward) joke because deep down, I think I still have that part of me that is upbeat and "jolly" (I couldn't think of another word, and I realise I just made myself sound like Santa Claus). Hohohoho... no? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, back to what I was saying... :P What was I saying? I'm just ranting, aren't I? Geez, I should do my homework. I have a stack of homework waiting for me.
Well, until next time.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Finished painting?
I was bored yesterday, and seeing my paints lying around, I decided to pick up a brush and just let it flow. My finished(?) product:
I'm not sure whether I should add anything more, but for now, this is what's lying on my bedroom floor.
I'm not sure whether I should add anything more, but for now, this is what's lying on my bedroom floor.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Celebrity crush!
I adore this girl! She's so pretty... She's a Korean actress name Chae Jung-Ahn in Coffee Prince. I love her eyes and brows, and her fashion taste as well! Celebrity crush much?
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