Strange title, I know, but I'll get to that in a sec.
I'm reading all these people's blogs and I kind of feel a little... sad(?) because they can be so open and yet private at the same time. I used to be able to do that... then, something happened and now I can't open up to anyone anymore. I used to be very extroverted- once I got to know someone, and I liked them, I opened up and let them into my world- whether they wanted to be in it or not. Actually, it was more like me grabbing them by the collar and yanking them into my world. I used to be able to speak my mind, and just blurt things out- which, of course, wasn't always a good thing but at least I could still tell people about my issues and problems.
Now, I think I'm beginning to have trust issues. I just can't trust people anymore. Not because I don't like them, or because I don't trust them personally- it's more to do with me. I can't open up anymore, about any part of me, and when I do, it's only to people I really, really trust, and that is so hard to find for me nowadays. I have close friends, and I love them to bits, but even they do not know half my thoughts. I'm not suicidal, or even depressed (and I hope I never get to that), but I do feel withdrawn. I'm not sad, or angry about it, I'm just stating the facts. I don't know whether that is a good thing or not, but it's the truth.
Which brings me to my next point. I used to be able to use my blog as a vent, to release my feelings and to rant on about trivial things like school, or my life in general (my group should know what I'm talking about). Now, I find that I can't bring myself to do that anymore. And I have no idea why. Even though I may seem like I do, I never go in-depth and really let my feelings out. What I say and do is more of... a superficial glaze-over now. Which is really bad because now all I'm doing is bottling up everything inside. A lot of people have told me that they think I'm a really happy-go-lucky kind of person, that I'm always happy and that I'm never down on my problems; but really, it's far from the truth. I have my problems, I just don't let them show because I know there's no point wallowing in them, and especially complaining about them to others.
But I still laugh, and I still smile and crack the occassional (unfunny and slightly awkward) joke because deep down, I think I still have that part of me that is upbeat and "jolly" (I couldn't think of another word, and I realise I just made myself sound like Santa Claus). Hohohoho... no? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, back to what I was saying... :P What was I saying? I'm just ranting, aren't I? Geez, I should do my homework. I have a stack of homework waiting for me.
Well, until next time.
4 comments:
what homework?? gee you make me feel so guilty, all i did was eat apples and email all night.
Lucy you are an amazing person, I hope you know that. It's hard for me to say nice things in person, but you know when people say you're always happy? We don't really mean it totally anyway, so don't worry. It's just so much easier to kind of go with the whole act, you're so magnanimous and strong!! ok i'm doing it again. I think there's just something about you that attracts these types of comments. its cos you hold it all together outwardly better than other people and people like someone to descend on as being 'happy' so it makes them feel more complex... im overanalysing it. but I do think you're inwardly strong. Which is why it's hard to hate you. People are so cruel to take advantage too.. I havn't figured this out properly yet but I used to think the same of Carmen, stuff about character just makes people say things, funnily because a lot of the times they don't really believe what they say
that probably made no sense
don't worry, maybe you don't like the idea of burdening people with your feelings? perhaps instead of blogging them journal them, then there is no audience.
don't get to self-contained lucy, you have beautiful thoughts that should be share with the world. if people didn't like hearing what you had to to why do you get so many comments?
love you
xxxxxx
These people know you better than I do, Lu. I've just lived longer. Three thoughts, though.
This post in itself is very open, which suggests you haven't lost the ability or the need to do that.
Trust is a big issue that you could talk about all day. I talked about it a lot with my daughter. The fact is, it's unrealistic to totally trust anybody, because you can never totally know anybody. But it's a matter of choice, and it doesn't really matter where you pitch that choice as long as you're strong enough to deal with the consequences of making a misjudgement. You strike me as the sort of person who can ride misjudgements, even though you're probably easily hurt by difficult consequences. And I've also found that too much under-trusting can bring greater difficulty than trusting too easily.
I strongly suspect this is a passing phase that will melt away once you're done with the stress of school.
I know what you mean. I have trust issues with people too, even my closest friends. I'm scared letting people get close, and when I do let them into my life, I end up pushing them away. I blog because its healthy for me to vent on here and not be judged. new follower by the way :)
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